How to help a friend who is struggling with their mental health

When someone you care about is having a hard time, it’s easy to freeze. You might worry about saying the wrong thing, making it worse, or overstepping. But you don’t have to be an expert to help. Jordan Snook, who started this site, believed the most powerful thing most of us can do is simply talk with people, face to face, and make it safe for them to open up. This guide covers the signs to watch for, how to reach out, what to say, when it’s urgent, and how to look after yourself too.

If your friend is in danger right now, go to Get help now or call or text 988. If they are hurt or in immediate danger, call 911.

What are the signs a friend is struggling?

Everyone has off days. What matters most is change: when someone stops seeming like themselves, and it lasts. SAMHSA notes that sadness, worry, irritability and sleep problems are common, but may signal a mental health problem when they become very intense, last a long time, and start to interfere with school, work and relationships. Watch for:

• Pulling away from friends, family, church or activities they used to love
• Seeming sad, empty, irritable, anxious or on edge much of the time
• Sleeping or eating much more or much less than usual
• Drinking or using drugs more often
• Falling behind at school or work, or missing things they used to show up for
• Big mood swings
• Talking about feeling hopeless, worthless or like a burden

Some signs mean you should act right away. See when is it urgent? below. You can also read more about depression and anxiety.

How do I reach out to a friend who is struggling?

The Jed Foundation’s advice lines up closely with Jordan’s: talk in person if you can, somewhere private and quiet, without bringing a group. A walk or a drive can feel less intense than sitting face to face across a table. Put your phone away so they know they have your full attention.

Start with what you’ve noticed, gently, and make clear that it’s your impression and that you care:

• “Hey, you don’t seem like yourself lately. How are you really doing?”
• “I’ve missed you. Is everything okay?”
• “You mentioned you haven’t been sleeping. I’ve been thinking about that. Want to talk?”
• “I’m not going anywhere. Whatever’s going on, I want to hear it.”

Our guide on how to start a conversation about mental health has more example phrases and what to avoid saying.

What should I say, and what should I not say?

Helpful:

• “That sounds really hard. Thanks for telling me.”
• “You’re not a burden. I’m glad you told me.”
• “What would help right now?”
• “Would you be open to talking to a counselor or doctor? I can help you find one, or go with you.”
• “This is treatable. People get better.”

Less helpful:

• “Just cheer up,” or “Look on the bright side.”
• “Others have it way worse.”
• “You just need to pray more.” Pray with them if they’d like, but don’t make faith a reason to skip real help.
• “Everyone’s noticed something’s wrong with you.”
• Arguing with how they feel, or trying to diagnose them.

You’re a friend, not a therapist. You don’t need to solve anything. SAMHSA lists simple, powerful ways to help: express concern and support, remind them help is available and treatment works, help with everyday tasks, and keep including them in your plans.

What if my friend says they’re fine or doesn’t want help?

That’s common. The Jed Foundation lists familiar responses, like “I can handle it on my own” or “It’s not really that bad,” and suggests gentle replies: asking for help takes courage, their struggles matter even if others have it harder, and you’re there even if you don’t fully understand.

Keep showing up. Keep inviting them to normal things. Try again later. Their pushback isn’t a judgment on you or your friendship. One phrase deserves special attention: if a friend says something like “It’s not worth getting help,” take it seriously. It can be a sign of depression or suicidal thoughts.

When is it urgent?

Act right away if your friend is talking about wanting to die, feeling like a burden, or having no reason to live; is saying goodbye or giving away important things; has started making a plan; or is taking dangerous risks. NIMH lists these among the warning signs of suicide, especially when they are new or getting worse.

If you see these signs:

1. Ask directly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” Asking does not put the idea in their head.
2. Stay with them, or keep them on the phone.
3. Call or text 988 together, or chat at 988lifeline.org. You can also text HOME to 741741.
4. Call 911 if they are in immediate danger or have hurt themselves.
5. Tell a trusted adult, even if they asked you to keep it secret.

Our guide to the warning signs of suicide walks through each step.

How do I take care of myself while helping a friend?

Supporting someone can be heavy. The Jed Foundation encourages helpers to be realistic about how much they can give, set boundaries, lean on their own support, and keep doing things that help them feel calm. If you’ve tried repeatedly, bring in a trusted adult such as a parent, coach, school counselor or pastor. That isn’t failure. It’s wisdom.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls, and doesn’t have another to lift him up.” — Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (WEB)

You can be one of the people who lifts your friend up. But you shouldn’t be the only one, and you don’t have to be.

Where can I learn more?

• Talking to your parents about mental health, if you’re a teen who needs to bring in an adult
• Mental health stigma in the church
• After a suicide loss
• Our frequently asked questions