After a suicide loss: grief, faith and finding support

If someone you love has died by suicide, we are so sorry. This kind of loss can turn the world upside down. It can bring grief and questions unlike any other loss, and many people feel that no one around them understands. Jordan Snook, who started this site in 2020, had friends who took their own life. Part of why he built Matthew 5:3 was so that no one would have to carry this kind of pain in silence.

This page is here to say: you are not alone, what you are feeling is normal, and there are people who can walk with you.

If your grief has brought thoughts of suicide, please reach out now. Call or text 988, or see Get help now.

What does grief after a suicide feel like?

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) says that everyone grieves differently, but many people who have lost someone to suicide feel some mix of:

• Shock and disbelief
• Guilt, blame and “what if” questions
• Anger, at the person, at others, at yourself, or at God
• Shame or embarrassment
• Feeling alone or cut off
• Relief, especially after a long struggle, and then guilt about the relief
• A sense of betrayal
• Deep longing for the person

These feelings can come in waves, change hour by hour, and contradict each other. All of them are normal. If you were the one who found your loved one, AFSP notes you may also have trauma symptoms, like images you can’t stop seeing. These are common and usually ease over time. If they don’t, a counselor can help.

Why did this happen, and could I have stopped it?

“Why?” may be the question survivors ask most. It’s a question that may never be fully answered, and that is one of the hardest parts of this loss.

Suicide is never caused by a single event, a single conversation, or a single person. It usually comes from many things together, often including illnesses like depression, which can hide how much someone is hurting even from those closest to them. Looking back, you may see signs that weren’t clear at the time. That is hindsight, not guilt. Please be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend in your place.

Where can I find support after a suicide loss?

You don’t have to cope with this alone. AFSP offers:

• Healing Conversations: a visit, by phone, video or in person, with a trained volunteer who has also lost someone to suicide. You can request one at afsp.org/healing-conversations.
• Support groups: a directory of suicide loss support groups in the U.S. and around the world, at afsp.org/find-a-support-group.
• Living with Suicide Loss: videos of other survivors sharing their experiences.
• Clinicians trained in suicide bereavement, and practical information for the first days after a loss.

AFSP’s suicide loss resources page also lists other organizations, including The Dougy Center for grieving children and teens, The Compassionate Friends for families who have lost a child, TAPS for military families, and Siblings Survivors of Suicide Loss.

A counselor or therapist can also help, especially if grief is getting in the way of sleep, work or daily life over time.

How do I take care of myself while grieving?

AFSP encourages survivors to take care of themselves “physically, emotionally, and spiritually.” That can look like:

• Let people help. Accept the meal, the ride, the offer to sit with you.
• Find one or two safe people who can hear the whole truth of how you feel.
• Keep basic routines as best you can: sleep, food, a little time outside.
• Plan for hard dates. Birthdays, holidays and the anniversary can be painful. AFSP notes that the lead-up to a date can be harder than the day itself. Decide ahead of time what you need.
• Be patient with yourself. There’s no deadline for grief.

Where is God in this?

Grief after suicide often brings hard questions to faith: Where was God? Why didn’t my prayers work? What happens now to the one I loved? You can bring every one of those questions to God. The psalms are full of people who did.

“The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.” — Psalm 34:18 (WEB)

Some people have been hurt by things said at church after a suicide. If that has happened to you, we are sorry. Christians have held different views on suicide over the centuries, and no one on this site can see what only God sees. We won’t pretend to settle that question. But we can point to a promise Paul wrote to people who knew suffering:

“For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from God’s love which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” — Romans 8:38-39 (WEB)

You can rest your loved one, and yourself, in the hands of the God described there. A pastor you trust can talk through your questions with you, gently and without hurry. Faith and grief counseling are not in competition. Many survivors need both.

How can I help someone who has lost a loved one to suicide?

• Say the person’s name. Share a good memory. Many survivors fear their loved one will be remembered only for how they died.
• Show up, and keep showing up, long after the funeral.
• Listen instead of explaining. Avoid “everything happens for a reason” or guesses about why it happened.
• Use gentle words. Say “died by suicide” or “took their own life.”
• Point to support, such as AFSP’s Healing Conversations or a local support group.

Where can I read more?

• Warning signs of suicide
• How to help a friend who is struggling
• How to start a conversation about mental health
• Mental health stigma in the church
• Talking to your parents about mental health, for teens who are grieving
• Understanding anxiety and our frequently asked questions