Lament: how to pray when you're not okay

Sometimes prayer feels like a performance. You’re supposed to sound grateful and calm, and you’re not. You’re tired, sad, scared or angry, and you don’t know how to say that to God. Here’s good news: the Bible already has a kind of prayer for exactly this. It’s called lament, and it may be the most honest prayer there is.

What is lament?

A lament is a prayer that tells God the truth about pain. It doesn’t tidy things up first. In a lament you cry out, complain, ask questions, ask for help and, often, choose to hold on to God even though nothing has changed yet.

Lament runs all through scripture: in the Psalms, in Job, in Jeremiah, and in a whole book called Lamentations. Many psalms are laments. They were the prayer book of God’s people, sung together in worship. Honest sorrow wasn’t hidden from church. It was part of it.

Is it okay to tell God how I really feel?

Yes. Listen to David:

How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart every day? How long shall my enemy triumph over me? — Psalm 13:1-2 (WEB)

Four times: how long? David feels forgotten. He feels God is hiding. He has “sorrow in my heart every day.” And this is in the Bible, as a model for prayer. God didn’t edit it out.

If you’ve been afraid that honest feelings would offend God, Psalm 13 gives you permission. You can’t shock him. He “is near to those who have a broken heart” (Psalm 34:18, WEB).

What do Psalm 13, 42 and 88 teach about prayer?

Psalm 13 moves. After the “how long” and a plea (“answer me, LORD, my God,” verse 3), it turns:

But I trust in your loving kindness. My heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has been good to me. — Psalm 13:5-6 (WEB)

Notice that the enemy hasn’t gone away. The turn is a choice to trust, made in the middle of the pain, not after it.

Psalm 42 argues with itself. The writer talks to his own soul: “Why are you in despair, my soul? Why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God!” (Psalm 42:5, WEB). Then the waves come again:

Deep calls to deep at the noise of your waterfalls. All your waves and your billows have swept over me. The LORD will command his loving kindness in the daytime. In the night his song shall be with me: a prayer to the God of my life. I will ask God, my rock, “Why have you forgotten me?” — Psalm 42:7-9 (WEB)

Hope and despair sit side by side, back and forth. If your days feel like that, so did his.

Psalm 88 may be the darkest prayer in the Bible:

LORD, the God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before you. Let my prayer enter into your presence. Turn your ear to my cry. For my soul is full of troubles. My life draws near to Sheol. — Psalm 88:1-3 (WEB)

It asks, “LORD, why do you reject my soul? Why do you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 88:14, WEB). And it ends without a happy turn: “You have put lover and friend far from me, and my friends into darkness” (Psalm 88:18, WEB).

Why would God keep that in scripture? Perhaps so no one would ever think their pain was too dark to pray. Even here, the writer calls God “the God of my salvation” and keeps praying “day and night.” Psalm 88 shows that showing up with your darkness is faith.

How did Jesus pray when he was overwhelmed?

On the night before the cross, Jesus went to the garden of Gethsemane:

He took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be sorrowful and severely troubled. Then Jesus said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with me.” He went forward a little, fell on his face, and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass away from me; nevertheless, not what I desire, but what you desire.” — Matthew 26:37-39 (WEB)

Jesus named his sorrow. He asked his friends to stay with him. He fell on his face. He asked plainly for what he wanted, and then he trusted his Father. That’s lament. On the cross he prayed the first line of a lament psalm, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46, WEB; Psalm 22:1).

If the Son of God prayed this way, you can too. And you don’t have to pray alone. Jesus wanted his friends nearby.

How do I write my own lament prayer?

Here’s a simple four-part pattern you can see in Psalm 13. Take a few minutes, a notebook or your phone, and write one or two sentences for each part.

1. Turn to God. Start by addressing him. “God…”, “Father…”, “Lord, are you there?” That alone is an act of faith.
2. Tell him the truth. What hurts? What are you afraid of? What feels unfair? Use your real words. “How long?” and “Why?” are allowed.
3. Ask for help. Be specific. “Help me sleep tonight.” “Give me the courage to call a counselor.” “Let me feel you near.”
4. Choose to trust. Not pretending you feel better, but naming one thing you hold on to. “I trust your loving kindness.” “You are still the God of my salvation.” “I’m still here, talking to you.”

Example:

God, I’m so tired. It’s been weeks of feeling empty and I don’t know why. Where are you? Please help me get through today, and help me tell someone how bad it’s been. I don’t feel much right now, but I’m still talking to you, and I’m choosing to believe you haven’t forgotten me.

Some days you’ll only manage step 1 or 2. That’s okay. Paul wrote that when “we don’t know how to pray as we ought,” the Spirit “makes intercession for us with groanings which can’t be uttered” (Romans 8:26, WEB). A sigh can be a prayer.

Does lament help with depression?

Lament isn’t a treatment, and it won’t replace care. But honest prayer can help you stop hiding, from God and from others. A large 2012 research review by psychiatrist Harold Koenig found that, in most studies, religious faith was linked with less depression and that it often helps people cope with stress. Koenig also notes that scripture gives people “role models of persons suffering with the same or similar problems.” The lament psalms are exactly that.

The writer of Lamentations shows how remembering God can open a door: “This I recall to my mind; therefore I have hope. It is because of the LORD’s loving kindnesses that we are not consumed, because his mercies don’t fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:21-23, WEB).

Read more about depression, about faith and mental health, and about Matthew 5:3, Jesus’ blessing on the “poor in spirit.”

When is it time to get more help?

The National Institute of Mental Health says depression is more than feeling down: symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks, and get in the way of daily life. If that sounds like you, keep praying, and also talk to a doctor or counselor.

If your lament includes thoughts of not wanting to live, or of hurting yourself, please don’t carry that alone. Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, free and confidential, any time. In an emergency, call 911. More options are on Get help now.

God isn’t waiting for you to be okay before you come to him. Come as you are.